My Mistakes Made Me Stronger
by LastRedAppleStanding
Summary: She wanted her relationship to work, but first she needed to open up and let the nightmares that have haunted her all her life free.  WARNING - Dark topics that need to be handled with sensitivity.  Based on a true story. Quite short.


**Based on a true story.**

**Warning – Dark concepts that need to be handled with sensitivity.**

Everything was so beautiful. I'd took Reuben out with me to my most sacred destination; I was going to let him watch me take pictures. Obviously, I've let him seen some of the photos I have taken in the past, but to be able to let him see this was something so big that it left me breathless just thinking about it.

I was going to tell him soon, I just had to let him in first. And this was the first step.

"Hayley, you ok there? You look pretty nervous."

We were currently driving in his 1980 Land Rover Jeep that he had built up himself the previous summer. He'd handed the keys over to me with great deliberation and were on a back road into the countryside. I gave him a fleeting smile and clenched my teeth.

"Huh? Sure I'm fine." I answered with a forced laugh. I'm sure I sounded deranged.

Suddenly he reached over and gave my thigh a squeeze.

"It will be ok you know. I love you."

I automatically relaxed hearing the words I so desperately needed and smiled warmly at him.

"Thanks." I whispered and carried on driving.

We were finally there and I hopped out of the truck chucking the keys to Reuben. I ran around the the back and popped the hood open while proceeding to take my camera and stand out. We only had to walk a small ways into the forest but I kept stopping every minute to get a few snapshots with the smaller camera already around my neck. The whole time I kept checking on Reuben to see how he was finding things but he was just looking around at his surroundings with content smile on his face. It was a beautiful day; the sun high in the sky. I always liked Spring time as I always found excitement in catching the different colours on trees.

It was a hot day in England for once and I looked down at my long sleeves with a sigh. All I wanted was to be able to wear a tank top and let my arms free, but I wasn't ready.

I mean, I loved Reuben. We'd been together for five months already but I'd already decided that he was The One. He had thick black hair with a long fringe that had me itching to pull back and vibrant green eyes. I true beauty of a man.

There was nothing special about me however. I had Dark browns eyes and my hair was cut into a Scene style with flashes of red, black and orange. I stood at 5ft 5 and sat at a size 12 to 14. While Reuben was covered in tattoos, I preferred piercings and had snake bites along with a small ear stretcher and nipple piercing for personal reasons.

We had shared everything with eachother but I still kept one secret hidden. Something that I would tell him sooner rather than later. And that was why we were here today.

Reuben pulled me out of my musings by grabbing my hand and pulling me into a hug.

"So, how much longer Hales?" he said softly into my ear and I kissed him on the cheek.

I took the lead and brought us into a huge opening covered with beautiful flowers and the sun streaked through the trees that gathered together. I chanced a look at his face and he took it all in with a look of awe. I gave a pained grimace and started setting everything up.

We spent hours there. Sometimes we just sat there staring at each other, sometimes we lay together and talked, but most of the time I was walking around capturing perfect shots of nature around us.

I was so absorbed with what I was doing that I looked up startled when Reuben grabbed me around the waist and brought me to his chest. He brought his face to mine and our lips touched with a delicacy. He pulled away after a moment and started to stroke my arms. We had yet to have sex yet and I started to panic when his fingers went to circle around my creamy white wrists.

I yanked away from him breathing hard, but the look on his face showed me that he already knew.

"Hayley. Baby, please show me. I need to know."

His voice broke and my heart snapped in two seeing how tortured he looked, with his arms outstretched, beckoning for me to come back.

"I can't. Please don't make me." I whispered almost inaudibly. I knew it was silly. I knew that he was going to find out soon but I didn't exactly wager on him finding out today and I wasn't ready.

I started to cry. Giving up.

Reuben walked up to me and pulled me into his arms, soothing me by humming Iris into my ear and he pulled my sleeves up. The surprise from his sudden action made me tense up but he continued to hum and pulled arms up to his face so I he could see more clearly.

I clamped my eyes shut and begged for the ground to open up and bury be alive. I knew he what he was seeing. Some pink, some silver, and a lot of red angry lines littered up and down both arms and I let out a desperate sob.

God, please give me the strength.

I opened my eyes, needing to see his expression and I was rewarded with numbness. His face was completely devoid of emotion and seeing this made my heart break even more. God, I've killed him.

"Please look at me." I pleaded and he brought his hollow eyes to meet mine. There, I saw some emotion flicker on his face and he squeezed me to him, bringing his lips to mine with a raw synchronised dance. The complete urgency left me shocked but for him I would do anything. Even if it meant leaving him. Because I was selfish. Selfish to think that he could possibly still love me after seeing something so monstrous and disgusting. He pulled away after a moment and nuzzled my neck.

"Why?" He whispered.

So I told him.

"It was so long ago Reuben. It started when I was around fourteen years old. I fell into a deep depression for reasons I still can't decipher. I was a wise child. I saw everything with curious and learning eyes. People came to me with life stories, and I had to console them. My mother was ill. My father a drunk. I had a best friend and she was my world. For a while she stitched me back together but I pushed her away, thinking I didn't deserve her. Just small things like that, but they caught up on me and I didn't know what to do. One day things got too much and I just...exploded. I stamped on a pencil sharpener and stole the blade out of it and..."

I couldn't finish. He'd sat through my speech in silence, slowly getting angrier with every word of self loathing and it tore me up inside. I let the sobs drown me and lay there like the vulnerable child I once used to be.

I tried to carry on, for my sake.

"I couldn't stop after that. It took up my every thought. I dreamed about death and suicide. I fucking wished that something tragic would happen to me, something so horrible so I could believe that I had a reason to want to cut. I wished that I could get raped, stabbed, shot. Even a fucking abortion! Just so I could have a reason to be so fucking low all the time. I thought I'd gone crazy. I couldn't sleep at night and I started seeing things out of the corner of my eyes. At night things would scream in my ear and I'd cry. After a while all my friends and family left me alone, but my parents were fed up of me and wanted me to get a grip. So I plucked up the courage and went to the doctors, and had a panic attack. My first ever one. Once he got me calm he told me that I had depression. Didn't go into detail, just told me to take some pills and to stay on them. He looked at me like I was some spoilt kid, a drama queen and it killed me.

I've been on them ever since."

I finally finished and collapsed from the exhaustion of getting it off of my chest. I felt so much better. I felt a hand on my cheek and i looked up in fear. There Reuben was sitting in front of me with silent tears running down his face and I started to panic. He's going to leave me. He's going to think i'm some sort of attention seeker and find some cute, thin, blonde girl with long legs and leave me. Oh god.

As if seeing the silent dilema going through my frazzled brain, he pulled me onto his lap and started peppering kisses all over my face and wrists.

"God I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. I'm so, so sorry I wasn't there. You are an amazing person Hayley. And I love you so much. I don't care about your scars. Your mistakes make you stronger. Remember that Hales, god you need to remember that."

We both cried together.

He didn't care that I was damaged goods. He loved me the way I am.

And he made me stronger.


End file.
